A chocolate affair

3 posts in a day. Shows that i'm not feeling that well.

I realised that my emotions aren't stable yet. Ok well, i realised that long ago, well, not so long ago but a few months back.

Last year that month was the worse i had ever felt, i don't wanna remember how i felt but i think there is a sense of dejá vu. It's coming back i guess. The painting of my room, the feeling of tranquility with a mixture of loneliness, with nothing to hang on. And the thought of being......unloved for sticking to your principles.

Welcome to the real world, as they say.

I say it's coming back because the surrounding is exactly the same, except that i'll be painting the house alone instead of my room and i'm loved this time round. Those hours spent alone are dreadfully dangerous i tell ya. It can kill. And it doesn't help that i'm not feeling well.

Oh how i dread those days to come, but i don't dare tell anyone about it. Don't ask me why, i just don't know. Ego i guess, maybe i don't wanna be treated as though i'm sick, more likely i don't wanna be a burden to anyone.

Maybe we should have a heart to heart talk someday. Not that i like it, but i need it, if only to help me jump over this emotional hurdle.

I don't want anything to go downhill. Because it's too much to bear. I've been there, but not that you know how serious it is. And because i'm having relapses every.single.day. It's eating me inside and i swear i feel like crying everyday.

Medication don't help at all. Them doctors lied.

Anyway, i kind of bare it all in this post. Don't know what made me do it. Oh wait, after reading Leon's blog and the things that he had posted made me feel........that it's okay to tell. (well, something along that line )

I know i'm not exactly taking the bulls by the horn by being truthful about it all but i can't bring myself to. I'm not one who likes to pour my heart out.

This is an abstract post about my _______________. And i'm really grateful for those 4 friends that has been there for me when i went through it. Especially you, yes you. For all that's worth, you were the one who knew me the best, accompanied me while i walked through the gates of hell, stood by me when i always threw tantrums/became moody and making use of your kindness but you had to go because of a miscommunication that was largely my fault, but if i could, i would want you back as my friend. Do i dare name you in my blog? No. I don't have the guts to do it. And Muz too. Not forgetting Bestie and Bryant Nicolas Eng Cai Jie. So much so that i really felt genuinely happy for months to come.

Until now that is.

Didn't think it could happen to me of all people.


P.S. Guys, you know who you are, please don't literally fill in the blanks. Just fill it in your head when you're reading the post.

To that person that i don't dare name, i really have alot of things to tell you especially apologising. I want to make it right this time, but i realise that you cannot have everything you want in life. You know, you were the girlfriend i never had. But as they say, you don't know what you've missed until you lost it. I now know that you are precious. But you're still my friend, not more than that.